Finding My Pride

 

I’ve always known since I was a child that I liked both male and females. I also knew that those feelings were frowned upon. I didn’t have the courage to tell my family. I even convinced myself that I could never fall in love with a woman, so why even bother brining up the subject? I wanted the white picket fence, two kids, the family car and of course a tall, dark and handsome husband. That’s what I envisioned for myself. But in the end that is not what the universe had planned for me.
My journey started on a dark and dysfunctional path. I can remember at the age of five having my first sexual experience. I know you’re thinking… “The age of five?” Yes. It was not by choice. That was the first time that I was molested. Touched by someone close to me. She… yes she… was only about five years older than me. A child herself. After that day, it would be two years later that she started again. It continued for at least two more years. Now of course I knew what she was doing to me was wrong and I know I should have told someone. But at that innocent young age I was scared. I was ashamed. And I didn’t want her to get into trouble. So I stayed silent and confused. For years I wondered if that abuse was the contributing factor of these lustful feelings that I had for women.
As I was going through all of that… and even years after it ended… I grew up watching my father abuse my mother. Yes, the Christian heterosexual man beat and talked down on his Christian heterosexual woman as their children watched and cried. Eighteen years my mother stayed with my father. Eighteen years until the day he left this earth. Even after seeing and living through the domestic violence that surrounded me, I was still convinced that my knight in shining armor was out there. He was going to save me from all of my pain and sweep me off of my feet. I was too smart and too strong to let a man destroy me physically and mentally. Or so I thought.
By Junior year of high school I thought I had found “Him”. I was the “popular nerd”. You know the one that never got into any trouble. Made awesome grades. Loved to read and kept to myself as much as possible. I never considered myself to be a pretty girl. I didn’t have the long hair, a straight perfect smile, light skin or a sexy body. My self esteem was extremely low. Guys always looked at me as “the homie” or “lil sis”. I never had any sex appeal. And girls… well when I was growing up the words dyke and faggot were commonly used to tease or taunt anyone that acted the slightest bit “gay”. So I kept my mind on the boys.
Around the middle of the school year an unlikely event occurred. I began dating the quarterback of our high school football team. I know right? The awkward, quiet, nerd and the star quarterback? I was sixteen and he was my first everything. He convinced me that he loved me and six months later I became pregnant. That’s when the horror began.
I was abused. Physically, mentally, emotionally. He poked and used every insecurity and weakness that I felt about myself against me. I became a shell of what I once was. Tormented by my thoughts. I was worthless. I was ugly. No one else would want me or love me. Every job that I had I quit because of him. He wanted me at home to take care of the kids. Four in total. My appearance began to diminish. I sunk deep into a hole and felt stuck with no way out. I didn’t tell anyone for the very same reasons I never told on my molester. The embarrassment, the fear and I didn’t want him to get into trouble. I stayed in that relationship for eleven years. Then one day he decided I wasn’t good enough anymore. He was tired of struggling to take care of a family. He left his children and I to be with a woman with a law degree and no kids of her own. In his mind he was free.
After he left I crumbled. I didn’t know how we were going to survive without him. And in a sick and twisted way I still loved him. He’s all I had known since I was a teenager. I numbed my emotions with sex and alcohol. I wanted to feel wanted. I needed to feel beautiful. Every man in my life had let me down. Had hurt me in some type of way. The cycle continued as I started to hang out with other guys. Every single one of them used me in one way or the other. They all made me feel like I was never enough. I reached a point in my life where I became content with being single. I decided to become heartless. I became just as cold hearted as any man. My best friend and I called it “mind fucking season”. During this transition I decided that I might as well go all the way and fulfill a yearning I’ve had since I could remember. I started having sex with women too. I wasn’t looking for a girlfriend. In my mind “I didn’t love them hoes”! But now I was finally free to do what I wanted with whom I wanted. I started to feel like what I was really meant to be. Now because all of this was still new to me I told myself that I had to be bisexual. I loved men and I just wanted to fuck women. I think that this mentality came from the sexual abuse I experienced as a child. Women to me where merely sexual objects. After a few years I yet again convinced myself, with so-called help from friends, that I was straight and I needed a strong black man to help me raise my sons. It made sense to me at the time. I was never going to love a woman anyway. I had outgrown the wildlife and I was ready to settle down and find a soon to be husband.
Now here’s where the story turns.
After beginning a new job and feeling like I finally figured myself out, I met Her. There was something different about her. She wasn’t like any woman or man I had ever met. Her demeanor, her smile, her whole aurora drew me in and I needed to know her. I spent everyday at work just watching her. Learning her personality. Trying to piece together who she really was. We barely spoke. I was intimated by her but I wanted her to like me. I was afraid I would say the wrong thing and sound like a babbling idiot. No one has ever made me feel like this before.
After a few more months of us working together we actually became friends. My sexual attraction grew more for her and the crush that I had for her made me feel like a school girl with butterflies in my stomach. We began dating and she treated me like A Queen from the first day. We had more in common with each other than we did anyone else that either one of us was dating at the time. Our connection was deep and the love became so real. I knew she was meant for me and in time she realized the same.
Its been almost a year now and our love grows stronger everyday. She has helped me to become my true self. She has shown me that no matter what happened in the past the future is bright and unlimited. This woman has made me feel like the most beautiful being she has ever laid eyes on. I never doubt her love for me and she feels the same. Our love story has not been perfect and it has so many twist and turns. But through it all we know that together our love conquers all.

 

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